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Pleasure Trip
By Ellen Rayne
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Final Chapter
Epilogue
Premise - Helen left Larkhall shortly after the escape, having forced Nikki to go back
Chapter 1
Dr Helen Stewart breathed a huge sigh of relief as she left the drab lecture hall. "Another year, another crap conference," she thought. Among her fellow psychologists streaming off campus, Helen caught sight of Jacqui, a bouncy young redhead who she'd met several times before. She walked over to her friend;
"Hey, Helen," called Jacqui, "You know a decent pub round here?"
"Sure, follow me, Jaq."
An hour later, some serious drinking was underway. And as the booze flowed, so did the conversation. Around Helen's table, the group of harried lecturers talked longingly of the upcoming summer break. It seemed Jacqui was off on a diving holiday -
"I can't wait, " she was saying, "We're off to Egypt again - a week's guaranteed sunshine. Only problem is, since I organised the trip, I have to come up with an extra 200 quid - someone dropped out. It'll clean me out completely this summer. But I'll never find a stand in by Friday."
"I used to dive, " broke in Helen absently, "My dad's an instructor."
"My god, Helen , you're a life-saver - You can come with us!"
"I didn't mean -"
"Oh come on, how can you refuse? You just said you've got no plans"
"But I can't just jump in at the last minute!"
"Sure you can - the girls'll love you. Please??"
"When is it?"
" - I knew you'd see sense. You'll love it. A week on Saturday , before the tourists get there."
"I haven't said yes yet..."
"Oh, you have, just say it."
"OK," she suddenly decided, "Count me in."
Two weeks later - Friday
Yawning loudly, Helen pulled into Nottingham bus park. Checking the clock on the dash, she groaned, "Quarter to seven - I thought this was a bloody holiday." She parked, and lugged her bags to the nearby mini-coach. Jacqui spotted her, and slouched over.
"Helen, hi! Come and meet the gang." Helen allowed herself to be shoved onto the bus, and Jacqui called out,
"Everyone, this is Helen, hero of the hour."
The women variously waved or mumbled greetings. "These are not morning people" thought Helen. But her friend was still talking;
"I'll put you by Nik, she's the one you'll be sharing with since Kate pulled out."
She walked towards the back of the bus, where a dark- haired woman sat gazing out of the window.
"Nik, this is Helen..." she started to sit down,
"Helen, this is..." The woman turned to face her...
"-Nikki!?" gasped Helen.
"Hello, Helen." That voice, that face - Helen was speechless.
"You two know each other?" wondered Jacqui.
"Y-yes," stammered Helen, "We met when Nikki was -" she hesitated
"In prison, yes," continued Nikki, "Helen was my Wing Governor."
"Well! I'll leave you to catch up."
Chapter 2
..."Helen, are you OK?" asked Nikki
"Sorry, yes, I'm fine - I just can't believe it's you."
"Have I changed that much?"
"Oh, no, you look great," she said, truthfully.
In fact, Helen had been thinking how little Nikki had changed. Her hair was longer - still cropped, but of medium length. She'd kept her athletic figure, but most of all, Helen saw those deep brown eyes she'd never forgotten. Nikki's appraisal of Helen was similarly favourable. The Scot had grown her hair, tying it up in a loose plait, and Nikki thought she saw a few more lines round the eyes, but otherwise, Helen was as she remembered.
"So where have you been, Nikki, when did you get out? I knew Karen was working on your appeal, but she never told me -"
"I asked her not to. I've been out for four years now. I finally got my OU degree while I was inside, and when I came out I carried on with my MA. Now I've drifted into lecturing."
"Really, where?"
"Here in Nottingham. What about you?"
"Pretty much the same actually. After... after I left, I went back to Cambridge to get my PhD. And I'm still there."
"So it's Doctor Stewart now, is it? Or have you - met the right guy."
"No, no. Sean put me right off marriage."
There was an awkward pause, until Helen suddenly said;
"It's good to see you again."
"You too," Nikki replied, with a slight smile.
After this, she seemed unwilling to talk. Helen's attempts at conversation met with terse replies. At first, she assumed it was tiredness, but as they approached a service area around half-nine, and Nikki had hardly looked at her for the last hour, Helen realised there was a problem. Once they'd stopped, she decided to face things right then, and followed Nikki when she saw her going into the toilets.
She waited for a minute, then confronted her by the washbasins
"What's the problem, Nikki?"
"What's the problem?" Nikki felt the old familiar anger return. For the first time, she looked into Helen's eyes.
"I'll tell you what the problem is - You! - Just looking at you, hearing you say my name..."
She stopped at the deep hurt she saw in the other's eyes. More gently, she went on;
"...It hurts, Helen."
She took a deep breath,
"When you left...my world fell apart. Locked up in that shit-hole for God knows how long, all I had was you. Even when I thought I hated you, I was always waiting - for that one glance that would get me through the day. When I lost that, I lost everything. No appeal, no life, no one..." She had to stop to hold back the tears,
"...no one to love."
Helen was stunned at such openness, such naked pain. She hardly knew what to say, but she knew she had to try;
"You think I wanted to leave? You think one day went by when I didn't regret it? I knew if I went back, the pain would go away. But I couldn't, Nikki. I couldn't stand it. Seeing you turn away from me, the contempt in your eyes when you looked at me...But the worst times were when I thought I deserved it."
"No! You never did. You were right, and part of me knew that, but still I drove you away. I can't believe how stupid I was."
"We both were."
What else could be said? Both women were now on the verge of tears, overwhelmed by past and present.
Her voice wavering, Nikki quipped;
"So what's the cure, Doctor?"
Helen almost managed a smile, "Well I'd say we should keep the past where it belongs - behind us. How about we start again?" Nikki nodded. Helen put out her hand;
"I'm Helen Stewart"
"Nikki Wade"
As their hands touched, Nikki felt herself starting to respond as of old, and she thought Helen looked rather flushed. For a moment, their eyes locked, but they came back to themselves, and dropped hands.
"Come on, they'll be wondering what we're doing in here."
Chapter 3
Both ladies were immensely relieved that they'd cleared the air between them. The remaining half-hour to the airport passed much more pleasantly, serving to re-establish their old friendship.
Once they arrived at Heathrow, things went surprisingly smoothly, until they actually boarded the plane. A young student called Heather, who Helen had noticed keeping her eye on Nikki, shoved her way forward, saying insistently;
"Would you mind if we swap seats? I know you'll be next to Nik, and I really need to talk to her. It's about my course - I want to get it over with before the holiday starts."
Helen could think of no reason to deny the girl, though she tried damn hard to find one. So she ended up four seats away from her old friend, next to a short blond named Sian.
Sian had no interest in conversation, which was just as well, because Helen had no intention of talking to her. She was much more interested in watching Heather and Nikki.
"If she's talking work," thought Helen, "then I'm the Prince of Wales. That girl is flirting with her."
It was apparent that that was exactly what was happening. Heather was turned right around in her seat, giving Nikki her full attention. Helen was too far away to hear what they said, but when Nikki smiled at the young student - that little smile she remembered so clearly, Helen felt her fists clench.
"Hold it, Helen, " she admonished, "This has nothing to do with you."
Eventually, the flight was over. After fighting though the persistent Arab peddlers, the divers dragged themselves onto another bus for the short drive to meet their boat. Much to Heather's disappointment, Helen beat her to the coveted seat.
"Consorting with students, Nikki?" she teased, "People'll talk."
"Oh, stop it, " Nikki blushed, "I can't help it if she fancies me."
"Oh, no, you're just irresistible aren't you." Nikki wasn't sure how to take this, but settled for a nervous grin.
"So, have you been on one of these trips before?"
"Nope, first time."
"It's pretty cosy on these boats, you know. You might regret it yet."
Again, Nikki was confused; "Is she flirting with me now? Well I'm not complaining."
"Who could regret having you as their bunkmate?" she returned, "It's almost like I'm back inside."
"But I'm not your jailer now."
This conversation was getting a little close to the bone, and soon lapsed into silence.
A few minutes later, their journey was over. The ladies lugged their huge dive bags onto the boat. Nikki was impressed - it was a large motor cruiser, over thirty feet long, with a lovely sun deck on top. Welcoming them on board was their guide for the week, a muscular American rather ludicrously named Jet. He looked a bit daunted at this boatload of twelve women, but played his part well, explaining their program for the week;
"We'll move out tonight, and weather permitting, should make it round the main sites by the end of the week. Breakfast is at seven, unless I say otherwise [the women groaned], and we'll get in three or four dives a day. I'll give a briefing before each dive, and I'll expect you to follow my instructions. Enjoy your trip, and I'll see you in the morning!"
As Helen had predicted, their cabin was cosy, or more accurately, incredibly cramped. There was just enough room for one person to stand while the other lay one of the bunks
"At least in Larkhall we got a basin in the cell! I trust there is a bathroom?" Nik asked.
"Down the corridor."
While Nikki was out of the room, Helen hastily got ready for bed. And on the other's return, she made a tactful exit. Ten minutes later, they were in their bunks. Without asking, Helen had left the lower one for Nikki. A short silence followed, while Nikki tried to read, but she soon threw her book down, unable to concentrate.
"Shall I turn out the light?" asked the Scot
"OK"
Another pause
"Can we talk, Nikki? I know I won't be able to sleep."
"Me neither...What a day, eh?
"Yeah." Something occurred to Helen; "You knew I was coming, didn't you."
"Jacqui told me. I thought about calling you - but I just couldn't. I almost pulled out myself yesterday."
"Well here I am...So why am I here? What happened to your previous cellmate?"
"Kate? She was never that keen. And after we broke up..."
"Oh, I'm sorry."
"Don't be, it wasn't meant to last.
So what about you, Helen - Is there someone waiting for you back home?"
Helen had been dreading this point. "Yes, actually - Sam."
Nikki felt a sudden stab of jealously. "What's he like?"
Helen took a deep breath; "She is a biology lecturer."
"She?"
"Yes, she." Helen didn't quite know how to go on,
"If I hadn't met you, I'd probably be married right now."
Nikki tried to recover her composure; "And she's all right with you coming here?"
"Not really, no. In fact, I've hardly spoken to her all week."
The other woman felt a shameful surge of satisfaction on hearing this. But there was no more to say. Sleep was a long time coming that night.
Chapter 4 - Saturday
The next morning, the women seemed, if that was possible, even more tired than they were the day before. An irritatingly chirpy Jet chivvied them through a simple breakfast, before assembling everyone on the sundeck for their first briefing:
"All right, girls, let's get started. This is your first dive of the week, so nothing too adventurous, keep it short and shallow. If you look over there, you'll see our first site - the 'Temple'"
He produced with a flourish a whiteboard showing an amateurly drawn plan of the site.
"As you can see, the reef projects almost to the surface, so go down gently, take a look around, just get the feel of things. As always, do not touch the coral, it's very fragile. Cruise around a bit if you like, but I'm putting a thirty minute limit on the dive. Half an hour, OK?"
Everyone nodded, coming to life slightly now things were happening.
"Right, now I want you to sort out your dive partners. I want buddy pairs, or threes at most. Once you're ready, I'll see if I can remember your names."
Then followed an unladylike scramble, as the divers battled over their buddies. Nikki, however, remained calm, in spite of Heather bearing down on her like a cruise missile. She simply turned to Helen beside her and said;
"Buddies?"
"Of course."
Heather retreated, foiled again.
Once order had returned, the guide brought out a list of names, and began reading.
"Now let's see...Jacqui...that's you" he turned to her, "your buddy is -?"
"Sue," she replied, indicating a jolly-looking older woman.
"Right. And...Heather? I'm sorry -"
She put up her hand
"You're with-?"
"Sian," she sighed, glaring at Helen.
OK, and Nikki?"
She waved
"You're going down with..."
"Helen, " mumbled Nikki, blushing furiously. Helen was just as embarrassed, but showed it with desperately suppressed giggles. The others were not so tactful, and fell about laughing;
"You're the lucky one, Nik!" hooted Sue
"You don't hang about, do you!" added Jacqui.
Soon Helen and Nikki were laughing as much as anyone. Except Jet, that is, who remained totally baffled.
"Have I said something funny?" the young man wondered, causing even greater mirth.
Eventually, Helen calmed down enough to say;
"Don't worry about it, you don't want to know."
The briefing was soon over, and they moved down to the dive deck. As the women kitted up, Nikki caught herself taking surreptitious glances at Helen in her tight-fitting wet-suit, and once or twice, thought Helen was doing the same.
"What are you doing?" she thought, "Remember who you're looking at." But that was the problem.
The first dive was uneventful. Nikki, in Egypt for the first time, was amazed at the variety of fish, and the dazzling colours of the different corals. A comparative veteran, Helen just enjoyed the view, although it wasn't always the sea-life she was admiring.
Jet scheduled another nearby dive for that afternoon, so the worn out women decided a little rest was in order. They sprawled about the deck, sunbathing, dozing, or chatting quietly. Nikki settled in a corner with her book, and Helen stationed herself protectively nearby. After a few minutes, Helen dropped gently off to sleep. Nikki found herself gazing at her friend, taking in everything. In repose, she looked as beautiful as she ever had. The few extra lines time had added were smoothed away in sleep. However, Helen started to become agitated, obviously disturbed by her dreams. She seemed to be reaching for something - her brow creased in pain and her right hand stretched and clenched fitfully. Nikki thought about waking her, when everything changed. An expression of blissful happiness lit up the Scot's face, happier than the she had ever seen her. For a moment, Nikki was irrationally jealous towards whoever was causing this. Then Helen started to talk in her sleep;
"Nikki..." she breathed.
Nik was stunned. Never had she heard her name spoken so softly, with such tenderness. And the way Helen looked when she said it...her heart leapt.
"Stop right there, Wade, " she told herself, "it's just a dream."
At once desperately embarrassed at overhearing, she knew she had to wake Helen before things got any worse.
"Helen, wake up," she called, touching her shoulder. Helen began to stir. She woke to Nikki leaning over her. Still half in her dream, Helen looked deeply into the other's eyes. Nikki felt her heart quicken as she saw the passion in her friend's gaze. The last time she had seen that look was on the last, and only night they had spent together. The night that she would never forget.
Then Helen shook herself awake, and quickly turned away. But not before she had seen the answering fire in Nikki's eyes. Both women were shocked at the intensity of the moment, but neither knew how to react. Their heads told them that their time was past, that friendship was all that remained...Was it?
Chapter 5
A strained half-hour passed before Jet called another briefing. Nikki would not mention what she had seen, and Helen wouldn't ask her. They threw themselves into the diving routine, hoping when they came up, things would all be OK again. And to some extent, they were. After a pleasant, but unexceptionable dive, Helen concentrated on writing up her log book, until Jacqui roped them into a game of cards. They had time to relax, thankful for the distraction. A late lunch soon followed, accompanied by more than a few beers, and the holiday atmosphere returned.
The women's high spirits were a little dampened by their guide's announcement that a night dive was on the cards. This would mean no dinner until they got back. However, the girls were up for it, particularly Nikki, who had never been in at night. The afternoon passed quickly for her in anticipation, and soon it was time to get ready.
Jet was rather stern in giving his briefing;
"Listen to me, please. Diving in the dark is a whole new ball game. Above all, you must stay close to your buddy. Look out for each other, and do not separate for any reason. Just because it's dark, doesn't mean the fish have gone - keep your eyes open. Having said that, enjoy the dive. A nice thing to do is to find a clear place, and turn your torches off. Just get the feel of night underwater, see what there is to see. But be careful, OK? Not all the fish are friendly, as you well know."
"I'm not sure I want to go now," said Nik, half-seriously.
"Don't worry about it, " Helen answered, as they made their way to the dive deck, "Just keep you eyes peeled and you'll be fine."
After they'd been down a few minutes, Nikki felt a growing sense of anticlimax. Night dives, it seemed, were dark, and that was about it. Since you couldn't see, it was very hard to spot any fish, and most of the interesting ones were presumably asleep. She was feeling quite bored, when Helen signalled to turn their torches off. This was marginally more exciting, but even as the eye got used to the darkness, there was still little to look at.
Helen was first to turn her light back on. She found she had floated several metres from her buddy. Turning the light on Nikki, she got the biggest shock of her life. Her heart pounded, her blood ran cold, and she was galvanised into action. - Nikki was virtually on top of an immense Lionfish. Resembling many-coloured porcupines, each of their spines was tipped with deadly poison. Helen frantically sped to her. First she waved her torch about, trying to get Nik's attention. Then she banged on her tank, hoping the noise would alert her. But Nikki was completely absorbed by a small octopus just in front of her. Worst of all, she was drifting slowly downwards, now just centimetres from the killer fish.
Finally, Helen reached her, and grabbed desperately for Nikki's BC. At the last possible second, she found the button to inflate her friend's jacket, and they both shot upwards.
Helen breathed again, and slowed their ascent. Nikki looked at her questioningly, and signalled the OK. Angrily, Helen shook her head, and pointed downwards. Nikki looked, then turned back to her, eyes wide with realisation. Shakily, she gestured for them to go up.
As soon as they were on the surface, Helen spat out her reg., unable to stay quiet any longer;
"Fucking hell, Nikki, are you blind! It could've killed you!"
"I can't believe I didn't...Thank God you were there!"
Then Helen noticed her friend's pallor and ragged breathing.
"Come on, let's get back."
Back on board, Nikki could hardly stand. She mechanically put away her kit as the enormity of what had happened hit her. Helen caught hold of her as she staggered towards the sundeck.
"You're shaking." She picked up a towel and draped it round Nikki's shoulders. As she pulled it tight, she saw her own hands were far from steady. She helped Nik up the steps and sat down with her. Gently, Helen put her arm round her, and soothingly stroked her shoulder and upper arm.
"It's OK, " she murmured, "Nothing happened."
"But it could have...You saved my life, Helen." She looked up, tears in her eyes.
After a pause, Helen let her heart speak;
"I couldn't lose you again."
Nikki couldn't respond, but her eyes spoke for her. She gradually became more aware of Helen's hand on her arm, Helen eyes meeting her own. At that point, Nikki knew she couldn't deny it any longer. She was falling for this woman - again.
Neither of them realised how much time had passed until they heard the rest of the group noisily returning.
Dinner passed in a blur. Although they sat apart, each frequently sought the other's eye, seeking a smile, a nod, anything. Helen was aware of people talking to her, and hoped she replied coherently, because she hardly heard a word. She looked up sharply when Nikki got up, but stayed put as the woman waved her cigarettes in explanation. Soon after, Jacqui followed her out on deck.
Nikki stood at the stern, staring moodily into the water. Characteristically direct, Jacqui approached her and began at once.
"What the hell are you doing, Nik?"
"What?"
"You know what I mean. You and Helen - you've barely kept your eyes off each other all night."
Nikki sighed. "I can't help what I feel, Jaq."
"You do know she's taken?"
"I know...Have you met her?"
"Sam? I've seen her."
"And...?"
"And what? She seemed nice - dark, quite intense looking..." "Pretty much like you," she added to herself.
"Look, if you're after a holiday fling, I know Heather would love to oblige!"
Nikki looked daggers at her friend; "No, that's not what I'm after." She sighed again, "And Helen wouldn't have a 'fling' with anyone."
"I don't know about anyone," thought Jaq, "but the way she looked at you..." But all she said was; "Just be careful, she's my friend too, you know."
"Yes, yes - Look, just leave me alone, will you. Maybe I should've stayed at home."
Jacqui left her to her thoughts.
Chapter 6 - Sunday
By Sunday the women felt they were really on holiday. Spirits rose, and with them so
did everyone's curiosity about their unexpected guest. Helen was aware of this, but it didn't bother her.
"They'll ask if they're that interested," she thought.
However, she did notice that one particular set of eyes were on her more often. They belonged to someone called Kath. Kath was the kind of bubbly, giggly girl, invariably blonde, and always with a similar sidekick in tow. Her partner in crime was a brash youngster named Donna.
Between dives that morning, these two were whispering together even more than usual, evidently plotting something. Finally, they plonked themselves down where the others were sitting, and Donna turned resolutely to Nikki, saying;
"So come on, Nik, we're all dying to hear Helen's dirty secrets. We know you know!"
Nikki thought for a moment;
"Should I really do this?"
But her smouldering resentment and jealously threw up a spark of rebellion,
"Why should I worry about her anyway?"
So she began.
"Let's see...Ha, yes - When I first knew Helen, she was engaged - "
"Engaged?" broke in Kath, wondering if she'd got the wrong end of the stick.
"Yes, to lovely Sean the gardener. But that didn't go too well...In fact it ended with dear old Sean burning his wedding suit in front of the whole wing!"
"Really?" asked Sue, intrigued, "Why?"
Nikki was getting cocky now. She turned to Helen and mockingly said;
"Shall I tell them, Miss Stewart - Nikki Wade, homewrecker of this parish- "
But Helen broke in, thinking; "Two can play at this game,"
"I'll take over from here, thank you."
She paused.
"Well, when Nikki arrived on my wing, naturally she fell for my undeniable charms. She followed me around, wouldn't let me alone. At first I thought she just wanted to be friends, but then things got a little more - complicated. Of course I resisted, I mean I was practically married, but she wouldn't give up."
The playful tone had by now left Helen's voice. She paused, saddened at the sudden flood of memories. The women were now absolutely quiet, sensing the delicacy of the situation.
Nikki looked straight at her and said quietly,
"I got you in the end, didn't I."
Helen could hardly meet her gaze as she replied simply,
"Yes."
A respectful silence followed, into which Kath's tactless enquiry dropped like a lead balloon.
"So what happened?"
Helen plucked up the courage to continue.
"Nikki and I...we had something different. I couldn't stay with Sean, so - I told him I didn't love him. For a while, everything was fantastic, but..." her voice was now dull, defeated, "...we cocked it up."
"And the rest," finished Nikki, "is history."
Even Kath could not intrude any further. Helen sat glumly, not looking at anyone, while Nikki got up and moved to the stern, staring blankly out to sea. She was angry at herself for bringing all this up again - evidently old wounds could still hurt deeply.
The rest of the day passed in a blur of gloom and depression. That night, our two friends welcomed someone's suggestion of drinking games - anything to dull the pain. The group sat in a circle, already pretty drunk. In the centre of the circle was a lethal concoction of vodka, rum, and cheap foreign brandy. Apparently this was the diver's version of truth or dare, where the 'dare' was to take a swig of the foul brew. At first things went quite smoothly, with silly questions producing idiotic answers. As the game continued, however, it got more personal by the minute, and soon nearly everyone had taken the forfeit. Helen was dismayed to see that Kath became more demonstrative the more she drank. Now she was blatantly eyeing up the Scot, with countless lustful looks in her direction. Helen was just contemplating whether to slap her or pour her beer on her, when unfortunately it came to Kath's turn to ask a question. Of course there was only one person she was interested in. Helen groaned inwardly when her admirer turned to her and slurred drunkenly;
"Now Helen Stewart...what do we want to know about you? Ah! I've got it - who was ...no, maybe not..."
"Just get to the point," thought Helen, "Whatever it is, I'm not drinking any more
tonight."
"...Yes, that's a good one, OK - Who was your first true love?"
Helen was completely floored by this. She fell silent, staring meditatively into her drink while everyone waited expectantly. All eyes were on her as she began to speak. Helen kept her head down, not meeting anyone's eye, and mumbled something unintelligible.
"Oh come on," screeched Donna, "it's no good if we can't hear you!"
"It was..." she began but could not go on.
"How embarrassing can it be?" encouraged Sue
At that, Helen snapped her head up and glared at Kath, suddenly terribly angry.
She almost shouted;
"It was Nikki, OK? Nikki Wade. You happy now?"
She got up and swept off to her cabin before anyone had recovered from the shock. Nikki just sat there, stunned, oblivious to the bustle of movement as the party abruptly broke up. Soon she was alone with her thoughts:
"Did she really just say that? Bloody hell, Helen, you pick your moments, don't you. But what does it mean? Does it mean anything?... She never even told me she loved me. And to be the first - God, I can't take this right now. If we'd met sooner...No, you can't think like that, Nikki. What's done is done. She's got someone else, and so should I. We'll go home next week, and it'll be like this never happened...won't it?"
Nikki suddenly recalled an old Robbie Williams song she'd heard on the radio that week;
"No Regrets,
They don't work,
No regrets now,
They only hurt..."
If only it was that easy.
Chapter 7 - Monday
Nikki had stumbled to bed sometime Monday morning, having failed to sort out the hopeless confusion of her thoughts. She was completely at a loss about what to say to Helen. So she fell back on her old, teasing ways, careful to make no reference to the night before.
Helen had hoped for the peace of a nice quiet dive to stop her from having to think any more. But even this was denied her. They were to cross the Red Sea that morning to reach sites on the other side. On hearing this, Helen at once retreated to the lounge on the deck below.
"Could this day get any worse?" she thought.
Last time she had suffered hugely from seasickness on the way over. And true to form, as soon as the boat pulled away from the coast, the rolling began, and she felt like shit.
Nik noticed her friend's absence, along with the greenish tinge to some of the others' looks, and came to the right conclusion. However she felt towards her, she could not leave Helen to suffer alone.
She made her way below, dragging herself from one handhold to the next, to find Helen curled up miserably on one of the seats.
"You alright, Helen?"
"No, I'm bloody awful," she moaned.
"If you stop thinking about it, you'll feel a lot better."
"Well you bleeding try."
"Oh come on, think of what Bodybag would say."
She referred to a cow of a prison officer everyone had hated.
"Sea-sickness my arse!" Nikki mimicked the old hag's tones perfectly.
However she tried, Helen could not suppress a little laugh. Encouraged by her success, Nikki carried on in a similar vein, keeping Helen occupied until the crossing was over.
Once everyone had recovered, they were eager to get back in the water. The afternoon was occupied by two spectacular dives, during which several of the ladies thought they saw a shark. Eager for more, the divers were happy to hear they'd the chance of another night dive. That is, nearly all of them. Nikki could think of few things she'd not rather be doing, and Helen thought it'd be wiser to give this a miss.
For the first time in over eight years, they were truly, voluntarily alone.
Up on the sundeck, everything was quiet and still. The seats were arranged in one long U-shape, running all the way round the rear of the boat. Nikki sat at the stern end, drink in hand, while Helen sat across from her on the port side.
Understandably, both felt somewhat nervous, a little unsure of themselves. At first they seemed determined to keep up a flow of inane conversation, and shied off when they approached something serious. Topics ranged between the weather, the fish, the other women - solely the present, the immediate. But gradually, even this dried up, pauses becoming longer, pregnant with things unsaid.
After almost half an hour, Helen had had enough.
"What are we doing here, Nikki?"
Nik started, thought for a moment, and knew what she felt was fear. Still she tried to steer them away;
"Well I thought we were on a diving trip."
But Helen would not be diverted.
"You know that's not what I meant...Are we going to go back to our lives like this never happened?" her voice dropped, "Because I don't know if I can."
Helen looked up at her mournfully. Nikki knew there was no use pretending, Helen was no fool. So she spoke from the heart.
"Me neither."
She sighed, trying to summon up some resolve,
"We had our chance, and we blew it..."
Nikki could feel a reckless desire building inside her, in spite of, or perhaps because of, her despair.
"But..."
"What?" Helen looked into Nikki's eyes, not quite believing what she saw there.
Nikki moved a little closer,
"But I don't know if I can resist you any longer."
She slowly moved in, giving Helen ample time to move away. But the Scot had no such intention, an answering desire burning in her eyes. Softly, their lips touched, but swiftly the passion grew, as long-suppressed feelings burst free. Helen gave a low moan, compounded of equal parts pleasure and pain. She clung to Nikki desperately, kissed her feverishly, as all her resolve melted away. But just as she thought it would never end, Nikki pulled away.
With a trembling hand, she caressed Helen's face, as if storing it forever in her memory. Helen tried to speak, but Nik put a finger to her lips, and looked deep into her eyes once more;
"Don't say anything," she whispered, "Take it as a gift...for when you start to forget." Nikki face glistened with tears in the moonlight. Helen gave her one look, then collapsed against her shoulder, shaking with silent sobs.
And there they remained - together, yet painfully alone.
Chapter 8 - Tuesday
It was two exhausted, shaken women who dragged themselves out of bed Tuesday morning. They spent the time avoiding each other, and everyone else. Nikki shut herself off with her book, headphones on so no-one would talk to her. Helen retreated to the very top deck, actually the roof of the foredeck cabin. Here she stretched out on her beach-towel, hoping the sun would put her to sleep.
However, after a few minutes blessed peace, Jacqui clambered up the ladder and sat beside her. Helen rudely turned away, but Jaq was having none of that. Clearly, the redhead had worked out something was going on.
"I thought you might need someone to talk to," she began gently. "Look, I know something happened last night. I've never seen Nik so down. And you don't look so hot yourself."
"Thanks!" She appreciated what her friend was trying to do, but; "I don't think I can talk about it."
"It does help, you know. A problem shared, as they say."
No response.
"Do you want me to go?"
"No, I'm sorry. Please stay."
Perhaps talking would help, she thought.
"Honestly, if I'd known she was coming, I would have stayed at home."
She struggled to find the right words
"What we had, it was - incredibly intense. She was locked up, I was there every day, we couldn't tell anyone - it was almost unreal. Maybe we got too close, because... I never really let go. I still can't"
"Do you want to?" As always, Jacqui got straight to the point.
"God, I don't know! After last night..." Jaq gave her a sharp look, "...She kissed me, for the last time, and it was so..." she broke off, close to tears yet again.
"Painful?"
"Heartbreaking!"
Her pragmatic friend tried to inject a note of caution;
"What about Sam?"
"Exactly, what about her! I thought we were happy..."
"But?"
"Maybe I was - Oh, this is shit!"
"This is serious, Helen. I can't tell you want you want, but I will say one thing. Nikki's a good friend of mine and I hate seeing her like this. If you decide it's over between you, then tell her now, face to face, before she's hurt any more. Maybe then she'll get over it."
"But will I?" thought Helen
Jacqui left her to it.
Returning to the sundeck, she noticed the Nikki hadn't moved an inch since she left.
And if she wasn't mistaken, her book was still open at the same page it had been first thing that morning.
Indeed Nik had been deep in thought. It wasn't the frustration that upset her the most, but the thought of them being lost to each other - again. It was as if she had one chance to get Helen back in her life, and she was damned if she'd let that go. So however much it hurt, she decided to try and salvage their friendship.
At that point, Helen had given up on coming to any conclusion, and came down to join the others. Feeling suddenly nervous, Nik went to the stern and lit a cigarette, staring moodily towards the shore. Hesitantly, Helen moved to her side.
"Hey."
"Hi," Nikki attempted a smile. She went for it before her courage ran out;
"I shouldn't have done it, Helen."
"Don't be sorry - I guess I knew it would happen."
"I just hope you don't hate me for it."
"Of course not! I could never hate you."
Slightly encouraged, Nikki went on,
"Say no if you want, but can we still be friends? Is that too much to ask?"
Helen was silent for a long moment, while Nikki dreaded her response,
"We can try. We have to try - otherwise Jacqui'll start charging for her time!"
It was a weak joke, but did a lot to lighten the atmosphere.
"Yeah, she can get a little - "
" - Personal!"
Nikki was light-headed with relief, and Helen thought she might make it through the week after all. The strain was still there, but at least they could attempt to enjoy themselves.
Everyone noticed that the storm clouds had lifted. The rest of the day passed in relative tranquillity as, on the surface, things seemed back to normal. By the evening, our friends were completely exhausted. Dinner flew by in a mild alcoholic haze, and soon after they fell into bed.
Chapter 9 - Wednesday
As soon as Helen's eyes opened in the morning, her mind was back on the same problem - What was she going to do? Better the devil you know, or - or what? She pushed it away, and tried to get on with the day.
Nikki was in a bizarrely cheerful mood, as if in reaction to the terrible day yesterday. She teased and joked her way through breakfast with rather irritating jollity. Helen was astonished at, and quite charmed by, this unexpected childlike side to the tough Wade she had known. But what really alarmed her was the amount of food Nik was putting away.
"Where does she put it all? If I ate like that I'd be the size of a bus!"
Helen was momentarily saddened, thinking she didn't even know what Nikki liked to eat. When you're in prison, you get what you're given.
"Stop it, Helen," she told herself sternly, shaking her head briskly to dislodge unwelcome memories.
That morning, Nik's high spirits were infectious. By lunchtime, Helen felt almost as chirpy herself. Perhaps noting the almost drunken state of most of his charges, Jet chose a nice easy dive for that afternoon. A simple field of coral, which although very pretty, would not pose too much of a challenge.
When they got down there, Nikki was delighted at the dazzling colours blossoming all around her. She finned along slowly, with Helen on her tail, taking in every detail. After a few minutes, they found themselves separated from the rest of the group. Nikki may have been a good diver, but navigating was not her strong point. They had reached an open patch of sand, a clearing in the marine forest. Nikki decided maybe they should turn back. Helen was now in the lead, quite happy to wander a bit longer. Miss Wade swam slowly up to her. She smiled to herself at the inviting target presented, and mischievously pinched Helen's behind. The other women whirled round immediately to come face to face with her attacker, who had a devilish look in her eyes. Since naturally she couldn't speak to her, Helen's only recourse was to give as good as she got. Things carried on in this manner, seemingly just a silly game. It ended with Helen triumphantly catching both of Nikki's hands in her own. But neither of them was truly aware what kind of a 'game' they were playing. The hampering masks and regulators immensely frustrated Helen. Their only means of communication was through limited eye contact. Staring into the green ones only inches from her own, Nikki could not look away. Helen's gaze was charged with naked want. Nik listened in dazed detachment to the hissing sounds of her breathing suddenly speed up as her heart raced crazily. But there was nothing they could do. This could not go on forever - a fact that Helen suddenly realised when she thought to check her air gauge - it was nearly on empty. Sadly, it was time to return to the real world.
For the rest of the day, they carried on as if nothing had happened. Jacqui was relieved that her friends had made up, but she knew nothing of the true state of things. She did not even notice that the two friends were always trying to place themselves where they wouldn't have to look at each other.
In the evening Jacqui had something to say to them all;
"All right everyone - Now tomorrow is our last full day so let's make the best of it."
Now Nik had even more reason not to look at Helen. Jaq continued
"No fooling around, OK?" with a pointed look at Kath and Donna.
"Oh, and I've just checked my phone, Robin left a message saying he'll pick us up from the airport."
Jacqui continued, but now Helen didn't hear a word. She was filled with a horrible guilty feeling;
"Phone! I'd forgot I even brought it! And Sam said she'd text me every day...fuck, she'll kill me."
As soon as was decently possible she rushed down to the cabin and dug out her mobile. She threw herself down on her bunk and turned it on, holding the phone like it was going to bite her. Sure enough, there were several text messages...she skimmed through...and they were all from Sam.
"Calm down, Helen," she told herself, "No-one's died - yet."
"Okay, first message - "
Having a good
time?
Course u are
"OK, she's still mad. Keep going -"
Miss me?
"Well now she's cooled off a bit. Next -"
Im sorry
I love u
Helen's breath caught in her throat. She felt like she'd been knocked out, nothing made sense any more. Her thoughts in a whirl, she read on
Cant w8 2 c u
"Christ! Why did I come on this fucking trip! Why does this happen to me! I should have got off that damn bus as soon as I saw her. Everything was fine, I didn't need a fucking holiday!"
But something more was wrong, and Helen knew it
She read them again. "Miss me? Of course I..." She stopped. "I hadn't even checked the phone."
These were unwelcome thoughts.
"I love you...When did she last say that."
Helen tried vainly to remember. She knew Sam had said it, frequently even. But all she could hear was Nikki's voice saying those words - on that night she'd lost her forever.
Nikki had broken out of the prison, desperate to see Helen. The governor could not but give in, and they'd ended up in bed together. But Helen had then turned Nik in to the police, knowing she would never be forgiven. At least that was what she'd thought...
"Stop it!" she clutched her temples, trying to expel these heresies "Get out of my head, Nikki!"
Frantically, she flicked to the final message. She knew she had to sort this out, here and now.
"She misses me. And...I've hardly thought about her all week."
There. She'd admitted it.
"Our first holiday apart in nearly a year, and I don't give a damn. What kind of girlfriend am I? What's the matter with me?"
She knew what the matter was. She felt it like a dead weight in the pit of her stomach. However, Helen Stewart was not one to give in easily. She got out the photo of Sam she kept in her wallet. She studied it intently, trying to stir up some feeling, anything. After a few moments she realised what she was seeing -
"God, she even looks like Nikki!"
That was it, she knew what she had to do.
"Helen Stewart," she said aloud, "You've made a big mistake."
But what could she do?
Chapter 10 - Thursday
The mood was subdued on their penultimate day together. Breakfast was a quiet meal, no-one had much to say. Jacqui could see something was not quite right between her two friends. Helen was not eating and seemed in a world of her own, and Nik wasn't looking much better. Helen's distraction allowed Nikki to indulge herself. Gazing at her former lover, she let her mind wander;
"Two more days," she thought, "Two more dives...then what? Friends? One in Cambridge, one in Nottingham, successful psychologist, struggling ex-con - Doesn't really add up." She sighed, "Make the most of this, Nikki, it's not going to last."
Nikki tried to be cheerful, but with Helen it was like talking to a brick wall. She started to worry that something had changed. She'd never seen her friend so out of it.
The morning's dives were uneventful. The final site wasn't accessible by the cruiser, so divers had to be ferried back and forth in a little dinghy. It was while they were on their way back that Nik tried to wake her up a bit;
"That was a great dive," she began, "wasn't it?"
"Yeah." No success.
"Rays, turtles - did you see that huge Moray?"
"Hmm." She was so not listening
"What about the mermaids?" Nik tried not to laugh, " - Singing the Hallelujah Chorus - Full orchestral accompaniment? Pretty impressive, I thought. Interesting interpretation too; performing underwater..."
"Me too...WHAT!"
"I knew you weren't listening!"
Helen blushed guiltily, "I'm sorry, what were you saying?"
"Never mind. Are you alright, Helen?"
"Fine, I'm fine."
Nikki was not satisfied.
Things picked up a little that afternoon. The girls fooled around, finishing off their rolls of film with ridiculous posed photos. But there were two notable exceptions. Helen remained detached and unapproachable, and Nik could not feel comfortable with her like that. She kept thinking maybe Helen had changed her mind. Why else would she be so unfriendly? Nikki could not bear the others' unwelcome frivolity, and went to stand alone at the bow.
However, she was shortly joined by someone she could really do without - her ever-faithful shadow, Heather. The girl was not unattractive, and reasonably intelligent, but she had as much subtlety as a train wreck. She sidled up to her, uncomfortably close, and began;
"So you had a good time, Nik?"
"OK, yeah." Nikki always tried not to encourage her
"Doing anything else nice this summer?"
"Not really."
Heather smiled in what she obviously thought was a winning way,
"If you're ever at a loose end, you know..."
"What?" She couldn't be bothered to be pleasant.
"Since we're both on our own, I just thought -"
"What, Heather? What is it with you! My love life is none of you bloody business!
There's one person on this boat I'd want to spend any more time with - And IT'S NOT
YOU!"
She may have been unsubtle, but Heather knew how to hit a nerve;
"If you've had a better offer, of course..."
Nikki's fragile calm was completely shattered. It was almost a relief to have someone to
shout at;
"Will you fuck off!!"
After that the divers stayed clear of both Helen and Nikki. They knew when they weren't wanted.
On their last night in Egypt, the girls went out on the town. Or as much 'on the town' as you get in an Arab desert outpost. But the beer was cheap and cold, so who was complaining. By now Nikki was convinced Helen was avoiding her, and each explanation she could think of made her feel even worse. She welcomed a chance to forget, and drank a lot more than she usually would.
Her pain was compounded by Helen disappearing for over an hour to "find a phone".
"She can't wait one more day," thought Nik, "She's phoning Sam."
And indeed that was the case.
Helen had come to a decision, and had to act now before she changed her mind. She trudged through the night-time streets until she found a decent looking hotel, figuring they'd let her call home. So she sat in the lobby, in a tiny phone booth, preparing herself for what had to be done. As she moved to pick up the receiver she saw her hands were trembling, and felt her heart pounding. She dialled the number and put it to her ear, half hoping there'd be no answer. It rang over and over, until she almost gave up, then Sam picked up;
"Hello?"
"Hi, it's me."
"Helen! Wow, it's great to hear your voice. I missed you! Are you OK?"
"I'm fine."
"Did you get my messages?"
"Yeah, I just got them."
"So how's it going?"
"Pretty good. It's very hot though, you wouldn't-"
"Hey, my mum called the other day, she wants us to go up there soon."
"Really...Listen, there's something I have to tell you -"
......
About half an hour later, a very different Helen Stewart put the phone down. She sat completely still for a minute, as if waiting for her brain to register what she had just done. She looked pale and very tired as she walked away. She walked slowly back to the port, wanting nothing more than to collapse on her bunk and sleep.
But sleep would not come. She was still lying there when Nikki barged in about an hour later;
"Nikki - can we talk -"
"Don't bother, Helen. I've had a lot to drink, and believe me, you don't want to talk to me."
And that was that. Both women kept to themselves, nursing their private hopes and fears. Sometimes silence hurts more than words.
Final Chapter
Part I
That was that, but that was Thursday. This was Friday - last day, last chance...last hope.
At the airport, Nikki slumped defeated, staring blankly at the clock, cursing it for every minute it ticked away.
Helen cursed herself for her cowardice. Every time she looked at Nikki, she was staggered by the hurt so plainly visible. And the venomous glares from a number of the others were not helping.
She told herself that the plane trip could be her time. But when their call came, she baulked at the thought. She told herself it wouldn't be right with everyone else around. But she knew that only fear held her back, and inwardly, she was disgusted.
However, all this was not apparent to Jacqui when Helen asked to change seats. The redhead threw her a contemptuous look, but took the seat without a word.
"What a cow," thought Jaq, "She really had me fooled."
She turned to Nikki, intending to impart more of the same. Miss Wade, however, was not in the mood.
"Don't saw a word," she snapped, before turning back to the window.
After what felt like at least ten years, the flight was over. Nikki trailed behind the others as they made their way out to the bus. She soon wished she hadn't. On seeing that the only seat left was next to Helen, she was sorely tempted to get off and walk home. She started to march down the aisle, every move eloquent of her anger. But at Helen's pleading look she felt her chest tighten. She was strong, but still human.
Some minutes later, Nikki could no longer stand the tension. Having decided not to, she now had to speak.
"Is this goodbye?"
Helen looked at her, grasping for a handle on this situation. But once again, Nik was cool, inscrutable. She was betrayed only by her death-grip on the arm of her seat where Helen could not see.
"I guess it is..." she replied quietly.
Helen's next words created a fragile, desperate hope in her friend's heart. Delicate and liable to snuff out at any moment, it fluttered like a moth circling a flame.
"...but I can't face the drive tonight, I'll have to get a room."
"Oh, you can't do that -"
Helen felt suddenly sick, 'She really doesn't want me here!'
"- Stay at my place tonight, I've got a spare bed."
Helen breathed again. Her heart beat faster -'This is it!' But her treacherous brain came up with yet more doubts and fears - 'Is she just saying that? Does she want me to say no?'
"I couldn't." She didn't dare look up
Nikki heart sank. But she had never been one to take no for an answer.
"No, really, why waste your money."
She looked at Helen. The Scot saw nothing but sincerity in her eyes. 'She's serious'
Helen looked up again, took her courage in both hands;
"Alright. Thanks."
Part II
Nikki opened the door to her flat and walked in, Helen following closely behind. Neither could quite believe what was happening. Three traumatic days and several troubled nights are not exactly conducive to clear thinking. Helen stood in the hall, bags in hand, like she'd been turned to stone.
"Are you coming in?"
At that she came to life again. Suddenly she was filled with a new purpose. She was here, she was ready, and nothing was going to stop her now.
"Come on, it's all or nothing" she said to herself.
However, this was really an immensely awkward situation. Nikki was jumpy, irritable, and rather bewildered. As for Helen, she appeared relatively calm, but was probably more nervous than she'd ever been before. Someone had to say something, and as the hostess, the duty fell to Nik;
"Please, sit down. Would you like a drink?"
Nik sat in a chair opposite Helen on the couch.
"No thanks, I'm fine."
Just the thought made her feel nauseous.
Now it was Helen's turn;
"Are you sure this is OK?"
"Well you're here now. I'm hardly going to turn you out in the snow."
"Nikki, it's August."
"You know what I mean. Don't you?" Nik pressed her lips together to suppress a fit of crazy, panicky laughter
"Yeah." A slight laugh. It seemed things were thawing a little.
"What about you?"
"What? You going to chuck me out of my own appartment?"
"I mean, are you OK?"
Helen watched her closely. A lot was riding on this answer
"Oh sure," Helen winced at the sarcasm, "Never been better."
"Really?"
Nikki was immediately on the defensive,
"Are you my therapist now? I said I'm fine."
She had to divert Helen's attention,
"Shouldn't you call Sam?" ('Oh, that's smooth!')
"No." ('That was easy')
"- She'll be worried - What? Did you say 'no'."
"I broke up with her."
"You did?" Nikki could not believe it. A million questions queued up for answers.
"When?"
"Last night."
"Why?"
Helen looked right at her
"Because I haven't missed her all week. Because all I can think of is you. Because I've never felt with her what I did as soon as I saw you again...Say something, Nikki?"
"Is this really happening? Helen Stewart is sitting in my flat, on my sofa, telling me - telling me what?" Their eyes locked.
"I still love you, Nikki Wade."
Nikki paused. She was literally speechless. Helen waited, hardly breathing. Nikki got up, sat next to her, and looked into those eyes again, unsure of what she'd find there. After a moment, she realised she still hadn't spoken.
"I've never stopped loving you, Helen."
How to describe what they felt at that moment? Helen felt such relief, such overwhelming joy, that she was in some concern for her sanity. And Nikki, she was so light-headed that she thought her feet must be off the ground.
She grabbed Helen's hands in her own, saying softly,
"You realise I'm not letting you go this time."
"I'm not going anywhere."
At the thought of all those wasted years, Helen's eyes brimmed with tears.
"Oh, Nikki - Eight years!"
Nik could not hold back her own tears, but managed a little laugh through them;
"You're the only one who still calls me that."
"Do you mind?"
Nikki gripped her hands tighter,
"Helen, I could listen to you all day, Just hearing you say my name - You have no idea what it does to me."
Helen arched an eyebrow, as she continued,
"I changed to 'Nik' after you. It just sounded wrong coming from anyone else."
Helen smiled, touched.
"You never fail to surprise me...God, I missed you."
Nik nodded,
"More than anything...As I said - " with a little grin, "- I'm not intending to let you leave."
"Oh, so you're the jailer now?" Helen had a dangerous look in her eyes. Nikki shivered at the tone of her voice - a sound she'd thrilled to long ago, and never forgotten.
"If I am - " she leant in ever so slowly, "- then I can do this -"
No further words were needed, even if they had been capable of speaking. Their lips met with a hunger that had never really been satisfied. Helen pulled her into a fierce embrace, her hands roaming impatiently, insistently, reclaiming what she thought she'd never have. Nikki was no less eager - now there was nothing holding her back. Just as Helen thought she couldn't restrain herself any longer, Nikki broke away. A flicker of worry crossed Helen's face until she saw the teasing glint in her eyes. Nik caught her breath to say;
"I do have a bedroom now, Helen."
......
Epilogue
Term was starting again in Cambridge. Helen caught hold of Nikki before she went out of the door.
"Let me look at you."
She straightened Nik's collar, brushed some cat-hairs off her jacket.
"Do I pass?"
"Hmm, I dunno..."
"Oh come on, mother. I'm may be the new girl but I'm a teacher now, what are they going to do to me?"
"Nothing. You're as gorgeous as ever. I'm just worried you'll give the girls ideas!"
Nikki grinned. A quick kiss, and she was on her way. She'd taken a teaching job at a local school, figuring children might be easier to deal with. With Helen behind her, she felt ready for anything.
Helen stood at the door, watching her go. A quick look at her watch told her it was time to go too. She had to help with the new intake at her college. One of the best parts of her job was her role as student counsellor. And she was sure some of them would be needing her services that week.
She stepped out into the autumn sunshine. Into her new life. Into happiness.
Please e-mail me with any feedback at: suzessex@hotmail.com
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